Being a stay at home mom is overwhelming. It is the most rewarding job, but it is also the hardest. I'm struggling with my new identity as a married mother of two from being a career, single mother. I made this choice. And I decided I would work during football season with the Steelers, but now in the off season, I find myself struggling to find time for me. Between diaper changes, meals, bottles, the swiffer and Clorox wipes, I have realized my mind is wandering to thoughts that are not positive or encouraging. I feel lost and although I am maintaining control in my household (something I did not have before I was married), I see myself losing control of my identity. I am reading that this is a very real transition and one that most women who make this choice go through. I am seeing a therapist because of the backlash of my daughter's 4 month long colic. Honestly, I was a zombie through it all and it is now bringing up a lot of emotions and thoughts I am having a hard time dealing with now that she has settled down and I am starting to gain back some sense of control. Colic doesn't just affect your baby, it affects your whole family, in ways you never imagined. My husband and I both had and do have different ways of dealing with stress and we are learning about them, about each other, everyday.
My therapist told me that this transition I'm going through is a gift and if I can just hold on, it is going to bloom beautifully. I will see this new person I am growing into. I know this is a growth period for me, and certainly my husband as well, but it is painful. It is so hard. I would never change anything about my life right now. I am in love with a wonderful man who takes care of me and our family without fail, everyday. I have an amazing son who is about to turn 8 in April who is so smart and talented. I just am so in love with him too. My daughter is almost 6 months old and becoming her own little person. It's so amazing to watch her grow. I pray every night over here in her crib that she would be a daughter of Christ, strong, powerful, gentle, compassionate and loving. We have everything we need and want, but I still feel like I need to find "me" again.
Not only is it healthy to not let go of yourself, for yourself, but for your husband and family. I believe the saying goes, "women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they stay the same." So I know as a wife, I want to remain, basically the same woman I was before we got married, but now, just improved! The adjustments I'm going through emotionally, mentally and even physically (getting my body back) really takes it's toll on me some days. I know the house doesn't have to be spotless but I feel like if I let it go, even for a day, it'll get out of control. But having a clean house makes me feel better, and almost accomplished! But I want to accomplish other things... I just have to figure out what I want to do! But then I think about what I need and want to do for my children and my husband and I forget about all that. I guess it's just the cycle I'm in right now.
This is just how I'm feeling today. Didn't know if there were any other moms out there feeling the same way! You're not alone! Even though talking to a 5 month old all day can make you feel very alone :)
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